Ruminations on the 52nd Year of My Birth.

December 21, 1960 was a chilly 46 ° F night when I was born at 9:01 PM at Greenpoint Hospital in the Greenpoint section of Brooklyn, NY. Other than my birth, nothing remarkable happened on this day in history. I was the youngest of five and the third boy. The youngest three had a different father than the oldest two. My father was 32 and my mother 36.

I have a few memories from the youngest years of my childhood. Some good. Some bad. Very bad. The very bad was something that should never happen to a child. The result from it filled me with shame, made me extremely shy, and caused me grow up to be hyper self-protective. That, plus my father not being there since before my birth, put me on a lifelong search for acceptance and love. I've found acceptance from family, friends and most importantly, myself, but the love I've searched for has thus far eluded me. I'm no longer adversely affected by it, but at two years past the half century mark of my life it has thus far eluded me.

I recently confronted an adult who knew what happened to me yet did nothing. The adult did not remember and based on the adult's present condition I believe it. What that did for me was to finally allow me to close that door to my past and put me on a path of continued healing and growth. The abuse had negative effects on my personality and emotional development. However, it had some very positive effects. It developed in me a strong sense of empathy. It made me want to help people. It made me a good listener and it made me very sensitive to the needs of others. Also it made a very passionate, creative person. Most importantly, it opened in me the ability to love intensely, divinely. A love people rarely experience.

From that awful childhood experience I take only the good on my continued journey and leave behind the bad. On my 52^nd birthday I will enjoy diner and the company of some of my family. I will be blessed to share it with my sister Marty, who I share a special bond with. The next day I will have fun at a Winter Solstice party where there will be another birthday cake for me. It's going to be a great weekend.

I love you all. Be Blessed!

Rafael.

Despite my protestations that I'm too old (52 this weekend) and I can't imagine being married again, life may yet bless me with a child. This song speaks my wishes and my promise.

Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said

But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky

Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

 

 

I finally confronted someone about my past and the fact that they knew what happened. I had held it for far too long and I didn't realize until recently that it was holding me back and messing me up still. I thought I had conquered that a

nd was done living in the past. Well, now I AM done with that and I'm moving forward. I let depression and anger get the better of me and stopped working out. On 12/09/2012 I ran for the first time in a long time and I felt great! Tired, but great!

I'm over and done. I'm dropping the baggage. I won't go into my soon to be 52nd year of life dragging that shit with me. ¡No mas! Like my man Rocky Balboa said to his son, "It's not about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward."

 

 

Is This Who I Am To Be? Monday, February 06, 2006

Editor's note: This is a blog from 2006. The nine years refers to my previous marriage.
Were we ever whole in our younger days? I was once an angel then spent nine years as merely human until I found some of the angelic in me again. Now it is inevitable that others see that spark within me shine through my eyes. I do not see it myself but then it is not for me but for those in need to see it themselves. Am I the lighthouse to their ship fearing the rocky shores? Am I being compelled to heal myself that I may help others heal? Do I triumph that others may?

My Way

I live an alternate life.  Not an alternative lifestyle, but an alternate life.  Different from what others may expect from me or want for themselves or their life partner.  However, for me this works.  I have no complaints.  Sure I wouldn't mind more money.  It's the lubricant that smooths the ride.  Yet, I have no complaints.  I don't live in a Brooklyn high rise.  I don't have a house and family in Vermont.  I don't run an electrical contracting business.  What I do is live the life I'm supposed to live.  My life; no one else's.  It's not for everyone and not attractive to everyone but I'm beholden to no one and responsible to no one.  I have an intellect, a spirituality, a compassion, an outlook on life and interests that attracts top-notch, interesting women.  I dig that.   I'm empathic, funny, "sweet" (the ladies say), concerned, open-minded and a good listener.  This life I live really works well for me.  I'm headed in a good direction and take responsibility for myself.  At work doing a good job, going above and beyond, is like wetting yourself when you're wearing black pants; no one really notices but you get a warm feeling.  I accept that warm feeling and keep doing a good job because it's the right thing to do.  And I have to do "the right thing" because, being an angel, it's part of my duties.  Yes, I live an alternate life. And it's just right for me.

Me

"Life is too short to be little. Man is never so manly as when he feels deeply, acts boldly, and expresses himself with frankness and with fervor. " ~ Benjamin Disraeli

I'm full of emotion.  Full of passion.  I no longer feel the need to express it in love.  I have be passionate about life.  Passionate about the spirit.  I  have to explode my passion in creative pursuits.  I've held back too long.  I need to FEEL.  I need to feel with intensity!  I've been trying to feel in other ways.  Ways that are fruitless and empty.  That lead nowhere.  I've wasted time.  Wasted myself on other things and other people.  I learned today that I have to depend on no one but myself.  Share my ideas with no one but me or find someone who will be interested in my ideas if I chose to share them.  I've cared so much about and for others.  I need to care just about me for a spell.  It's my time.  It's my turn.

Where have I been?!

I'm not very good at updating my blogs.  I spend too much time on trivial pursuits and not any on the things I should be doing.  Anyway, I've come to a revelation of sorts a few days ago.  I realized I don't need a woman in my life.  At this moment I don't want one either.  Big difference between needing and wanting.  It's a big thing for me to not need a romantic relationship.  And I know deep down inside I don't want one now and don't have the time and resources for one.  I have no problem meeting women but I do have a problem keeping them interested.  Could be something I'm doing or lacking.  Also, it helps to not fall for a woman of a different religion who can't see herself marrying a man who is not of that religion.

I'm Back!

It has been some time since I've posted anything here but, I will be posting again very soon and often. Major changes are happening in my life again so I will be journaling and posting episodes of my current journey here so stay tuned!