Sunday, November 8, 2009
I'm Back!
It has been some time since I've posted anything here but, I will be posting again very soon and often. Major changes are happening in my life again so I will be journaling and posting episodes of my current journey here so stay tuned!
Monday, February 16, 2009
23 Days - February 04, 2007
23 Days
She couldn't bring herself to wear her glasses. No, it wasn't a matter of vanity. Nothing as silly as that. Frances Bomian, Frankie the Bohemian to her friends, was as far from vain as a southern woman could be. That's not to say she was without style. Frankie had more style in one accessory than a lot of woman had in an entire outfit. What kept her from wanting to wear her glasses was her illness. The glasses were fun, funky and attention grabbing. The last thing she felt like now was fun and she did not want to attract any attention. If she has to be ill then goodness gracious no one will be allowed to fuss over her. She can take care of her own self, even if it means she can only muster enough strength to drink water and take baths. At least they will be luxurious baths with scented oils and candles. Then hours of sleep in between the bathing and the drinking of plenty of fluids. In no time at all Frankie the Bohemian will back to her old self and she will reach for her glasses with frames as unique as she. "Hello world, what have you been up to without me?!"
The Lady and The Morning Glory - January 26, 2007
The Lady and The Morning GloryThe lady stepped out of her door expecting the unwelcomed chill that was as surprising to others as the warmth of the day before. She glanced briefly at the sky knowing she would only see the gray of the overcast. She walked slowly down the granite stairs holding on the the black iron handrail stopping only when she noticed the solitary bloom and heart-shapped leaf. She starred at the horn of the flower and marvelled at how the stem twisted around the handrail and held on tight as if fearing a slip on the cold stone steps. The only noticable color of the scene being her red hair, the blue of the flower and the green of the leaf. Heart shapped as if signifying her love of Morning Glories since her youthful days. Days that were not so long ago after all. She knew tomorrow the sun would return and her hooded coat would be retired to the back of the hallway closet. Were her camera waited. Patiently.
Please Don’t Go! - January 18, 2007
A friend asked me to post a comment to her page and it tunred into me telling her to give me a topic or image and I would write something based on it right away. Sort of like improv-writing. Here is the result. BTW, if you don't know, a super is a building superintendent supposedly responsible for light maintenance and rent collecting.
He could see it was blustery cold out and the job he had set for himself would take the better part of an hour so he put on his long underwear and two pairs of sock before braving the streets cold. John "borrowed" the super's shovel and walked to the alternate side of the street where his girlfriend's car was parked buried under a blanket of snow. Not enough snow to keep her bound in Brooklyn. Stuck for at least another day. Another day of trying to convince her not to leave. Another day of her warm body and cold feet. The warmth that soothed and settled him; the coldness that told him it couldn't last. So John began to shovel the snow. Onto the top of her car. Pilling it higher and higher until what stood in front of him resembled something akin to the Matterhorn.
He could see it was blustery cold out and the job he had set for himself would take the better part of an hour so he put on his long underwear and two pairs of sock before braving the streets cold. John "borrowed" the super's shovel and walked to the alternate side of the street where his girlfriend's car was parked buried under a blanket of snow. Not enough snow to keep her bound in Brooklyn. Stuck for at least another day. Another day of trying to convince her not to leave. Another day of her warm body and cold feet. The warmth that soothed and settled him; the coldness that told him it couldn't last. So John began to shovel the snow. Onto the top of her car. Pilling it higher and higher until what stood in front of him resembled something akin to the Matterhorn.
The Continuing Adventures of the Angel and the Child - January 16, 2007
Editor's note: This blog was posted a couple of months before I met Tawanda. I had taken a path I was unaware of. That's the blessing of being open to all of life's opportunities.
However, as in reading the Holy Writings, they knew there was more than what just lay before them. They looked on to notice there were several paths that led in different directions and as with their will they had a choice. One path led off to the left and they could see it was a long trail through beautiful country. They felt they knew more about what lay in that direction and in their hearts longed to know more and experience the possibility of life along that path.
Another trail was just before them and parts of it seemed adventurous but The Angel and The Child felt very unfamiliar with most of what they could see of that trail. Yet another was new to them and it led towards some water and in it they could see a beautiful island. It beckoned to them and did indeed seem promising. Which path would The Angel and The Child take? Life surely held some magnificent adventure for them and they were very open to it. They knew they needed to prepare themselves well. They welcomed the opportunities and yet held the right amount of awe and fear at the field of possibilities before them. What treasures would they find along the way?
Before The Angel and The Child chose a path they prepared themselves and kept their eyes open for the chance of finding another.
As The Angel and The Child neared the top of the mountains trail their curiosity at what they would find was as consistent as the beat of their hearts and their hope for the positive possibilities. Their desire for adventure was as strong as the pungent but calming smells of the forest around them. Ducking under a low branch they righted themselves and looked ahead unto a scene that both settled their self and stirred their emotions. The beauty of the meadow reinforced their belief in Him and awed them at the glory of God's creation.
However, as in reading the Holy Writings, they knew there was more than what just lay before them. They looked on to notice there were several paths that led in different directions and as with their will they had a choice. One path led off to the left and they could see it was a long trail through beautiful country. They felt they knew more about what lay in that direction and in their hearts longed to know more and experience the possibility of life along that path.
Another trail was just before them and parts of it seemed adventurous but The Angel and The Child felt very unfamiliar with most of what they could see of that trail. Yet another was new to them and it led towards some water and in it they could see a beautiful island. It beckoned to them and did indeed seem promising. Which path would The Angel and The Child take? Life surely held some magnificent adventure for them and they were very open to it. They knew they needed to prepare themselves well. They welcomed the opportunities and yet held the right amount of awe and fear at the field of possibilities before them. What treasures would they find along the way?
Before The Angel and The Child chose a path they prepared themselves and kept their eyes open for the chance of finding another.
What is Loneliness? Sunday, October 15, 2006
Editor's note: This is a blog from 10/2006.
What is loneliness? One can be alone, not have a relationship and not feel lonely and yet one can be in a relationship and feel like the loneliest person on Earth. I confess that although I am happy and know that I alone am responsible for my happiness there are times when I feel lonely. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have known others to say, or blog, that they do not want nor need a lover in their life and they are happy (so they say). They have been in a relationship that went bad and so they feel they don't want another person for they themselves can be the source of happiness in their life. Great, more power to them but are they being truly honest with themselves? Are they keeping a man or woman away from their hearts because they don't need them or because they are protecting themselves?
Like I said, I am happy but, I do get lonely. And in that loneliness I do not want to seek someone to make me happy for that is MY job nor do I need someone to complete me (a silly notion) for I am whole and complete in myself. Also, wanting someone so you can be happy or needing someone to complete you is to place an unfair burden on them. Yes, someone can make me happy just as someone can make me laugh but, I need not place the responsibility of that on someone else's shoulders. If someone is not happy why would I want them? There is a young woman at work I find myself very much attracted to. She is confident, smart and seems to be happy enough. Unfortunately she is way too young and may not share enough compatibilities with me to make for the long lasting (death & beyond) relationship I want and deserve. So while I love life and am very happy I still get lonely and pray to find one who can steal my heart.
What is loneliness? One can be alone, not have a relationship and not feel lonely and yet one can be in a relationship and feel like the loneliest person on Earth. I confess that although I am happy and know that I alone am responsible for my happiness there are times when I feel lonely. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have known others to say, or blog, that they do not want nor need a lover in their life and they are happy (so they say). They have been in a relationship that went bad and so they feel they don't want another person for they themselves can be the source of happiness in their life. Great, more power to them but are they being truly honest with themselves? Are they keeping a man or woman away from their hearts because they don't need them or because they are protecting themselves?
Like I said, I am happy but, I do get lonely. And in that loneliness I do not want to seek someone to make me happy for that is MY job nor do I need someone to complete me (a silly notion) for I am whole and complete in myself. Also, wanting someone so you can be happy or needing someone to complete you is to place an unfair burden on them. Yes, someone can make me happy just as someone can make me laugh but, I need not place the responsibility of that on someone else's shoulders. If someone is not happy why would I want them? There is a young woman at work I find myself very much attracted to. She is confident, smart and seems to be happy enough. Unfortunately she is way too young and may not share enough compatibilities with me to make for the long lasting (death & beyond) relationship I want and deserve. So while I love life and am very happy I still get lonely and pray to find one who can steal my heart.
The Talk Sunday, October 15, 2006
I am filled with spirit and loving life! Today was my turn to speak on a topic at the Bahá'i Center and I went in not at all prepared except for a topic I felt strongly about. Not judging others on surface appearance and little knowledge. I had thought on doing a talk on the history of hell and/or Satan but last Thursday the thought occurred to me to just go in unrehearsed and unprepared and talk on a topic based on one of Baha'u'llah's Hidden Words.
Baha'u'llah is the Prophet/Founder of the Bahá Faith and The Hidden words is one of His Holy Writings that is composed of short sayings of spiritual significance. I chose one in which He instructs us to look on another's face as though it were His face and thus we treat that person better than we would otherwise. As I started to talk I felt confident and happy having personal experience in being judged and many times judging others. I talked from my heart and head letting myself be inspired. And it seems I was inspired!
in·spired: Of such surpassing brilliance or excellence as to suggest divine inspiration.
Well, I'm not saying I was surpassingly brilliant but I did mange to inspire others to speak up and share their observations on the topic of judging others. After the talk I felt so alive full of spirit I could've talked on other topics for the next couple of hours!
Having the others present tell me how much they enjoyed my talk made me think again about writing a monologue. I know I can do it and I know I can keep others attention. I cannot wait for my next opportunity to talk in front of an audience. It's exhilarating!
Comment by Azita:
I had a dream last night, it seems to tie into what you experienced. It involved me having to go on-stage & being so shy as to be the last, but once I got there, I was being pulled along by my escorts and flowing right through...then a lady in the audience who had been suffering from anorexia asked about death, though it was to all of us on stage, she was looking directly at me...I turned my eyes down in shyness and did not answer, no one did...then she asked "When should I begin to write?" as she wanted to be a writer, and suddenly a sign from God came in a flash and it was clear to me that He said "Today!"- This I answered outloud before everyone as I realize that not all may have heard His word. There was chatter in likeness, and they asked me to repeat. I told her "Today! God said Today. When you have questions such as these that inspire you, write them down. You can edit them later." My voice had changed, someone was speaking through me and it was hard for me to talk, but the message was clear. Don't put off writing down your inspirations for fear of imperfections- the woman suffering from fear of imperfections with anorexia had spoken out in question, and God answered.
Thus I say to you, if you think you want to write to inspire others, so begin it.
This is what I have begun myself.
Much love,
Azita.
Baha'u'llah is the Prophet/Founder of the Bahá Faith and The Hidden words is one of His Holy Writings that is composed of short sayings of spiritual significance. I chose one in which He instructs us to look on another's face as though it were His face and thus we treat that person better than we would otherwise. As I started to talk I felt confident and happy having personal experience in being judged and many times judging others. I talked from my heart and head letting myself be inspired. And it seems I was inspired!
in·spired: Of such surpassing brilliance or excellence as to suggest divine inspiration.
Well, I'm not saying I was surpassingly brilliant but I did mange to inspire others to speak up and share their observations on the topic of judging others. After the talk I felt so alive full of spirit I could've talked on other topics for the next couple of hours!
Having the others present tell me how much they enjoyed my talk made me think again about writing a monologue. I know I can do it and I know I can keep others attention. I cannot wait for my next opportunity to talk in front of an audience. It's exhilarating!
Comment by Azita:
I had a dream last night, it seems to tie into what you experienced. It involved me having to go on-stage & being so shy as to be the last, but once I got there, I was being pulled along by my escorts and flowing right through...then a lady in the audience who had been suffering from anorexia asked about death, though it was to all of us on stage, she was looking directly at me...I turned my eyes down in shyness and did not answer, no one did...then she asked "When should I begin to write?" as she wanted to be a writer, and suddenly a sign from God came in a flash and it was clear to me that He said "Today!"- This I answered outloud before everyone as I realize that not all may have heard His word. There was chatter in likeness, and they asked me to repeat. I told her "Today! God said Today. When you have questions such as these that inspire you, write them down. You can edit them later." My voice had changed, someone was speaking through me and it was hard for me to talk, but the message was clear. Don't put off writing down your inspirations for fear of imperfections- the woman suffering from fear of imperfections with anorexia had spoken out in question, and God answered.
Thus I say to you, if you think you want to write to inspire others, so begin it.
This is what I have begun myself.
Much love,
Azita.
Rafael Becomes Rafael Antonio Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Editor's note: This blog reflected the changes I was going through as a result of coming to terms with my abuse as a child and my separation from my previous wife. One of the things that was instrumental to my growth and acceptance of what happened to me and the separation was my attending the Landmark Forum. Look it up.
In trying to look good and avoid looking bad to my friends and family I strived too hard to defend my actions. That was the way I was because I wanted them to respect me, like me and look up to me. In doing so I was being inauthentic. I defended myself without regard to the truth or their feelings.
The reason I did this was because I felt like I had to defend myself, no one else would. I didn't want to be wrong. Being wrong was bad and I had to look good in order to be appealing. I had lived the life of a victim so long I felt like I had to defend The Child at all times.
One of the stories I had lived my life by was that I was a helpless, defenseless unimportant and unattractive child. So I protected myself at all cost and I would do anything to please others so they would like me. As a young First Grader I used to think I was very ugly. I would stand in the schoolyard facing the wall tugging at my eyelashes in an effort to make them longer. If they were longer I would be better looking and the other children would want to play with me. As an adult I suppose I felt I couldn't be wrong because that would make me look bad and I couldn't do that. I had to be right and I had to be attractive and I had to do anything for others so I would look good.
The impact that had on my life is I had been living a life that was not authentic, not fulfilling and certainly not powerful. I actually made myself look worse by seeming to be uncaring of others and worse by not living up to most of my promises. Thus I gave my friends and former wife a Rafael that was not true. A Rafael that was a fraction of what I could be. One unfortunate aspect of living life that way is now my friends may never get to know Rafael Antonio, the new emerging, evolving me that knows a life of authenticity is a life of power and fulfillment. I go to Florida without them getting to know who I've become.
Look out Orlando, Rafael Antonio is on his way!
In trying to look good and avoid looking bad to my friends and family I strived too hard to defend my actions. That was the way I was because I wanted them to respect me, like me and look up to me. In doing so I was being inauthentic. I defended myself without regard to the truth or their feelings.
The reason I did this was because I felt like I had to defend myself, no one else would. I didn't want to be wrong. Being wrong was bad and I had to look good in order to be appealing. I had lived the life of a victim so long I felt like I had to defend The Child at all times.
One of the stories I had lived my life by was that I was a helpless, defenseless unimportant and unattractive child. So I protected myself at all cost and I would do anything to please others so they would like me. As a young First Grader I used to think I was very ugly. I would stand in the schoolyard facing the wall tugging at my eyelashes in an effort to make them longer. If they were longer I would be better looking and the other children would want to play with me. As an adult I suppose I felt I couldn't be wrong because that would make me look bad and I couldn't do that. I had to be right and I had to be attractive and I had to do anything for others so I would look good.
The impact that had on my life is I had been living a life that was not authentic, not fulfilling and certainly not powerful. I actually made myself look worse by seeming to be uncaring of others and worse by not living up to most of my promises. Thus I gave my friends and former wife a Rafael that was not true. A Rafael that was a fraction of what I could be. One unfortunate aspect of living life that way is now my friends may never get to know Rafael Antonio, the new emerging, evolving me that knows a life of authenticity is a life of power and fulfillment. I go to Florida without them getting to know who I've become.
Look out Orlando, Rafael Antonio is on his way!
Fiction inspired by the line "I do remember the tea." March 18, 2006
Editor's note: The line, "I do remember the tea." was from a friend's blog. When I read that line an image appeared in my mind and I wrote the story on the spot as it came to me with almost no editing.
I remember feeling the early morning sun on the side of my face. It was very warm but a mild breeze kept its heat from becoming uncomfortable. The other memory that remains firmly in my mind is the way the yellow sunlight made the red hair on the right side of her head give off a warm orange glow and the glint in her eyes, eyes that I could not ignore. They seemed to be of an orangey-brown color that matched the tea she drank. Every time she put the cup down I could not keep from looking into it to see the change in hue as she emptied it sip by sip. I recall the soothing brown of her sweater. The one that made me want to hug her to feel the warmth of the wool and the feel of her body beneath. I remember telling her how much I loved the way she looked in that sweater the night before and how she modeled it for me after our playful but passionate coupling that melded our hearts and souls. A bonding I tried to ignore but our spirits would never forget. Was this all planned? Did she set out to arrange the colors so the scene before me would speak of warmth and comfort? The entire scenario designed to set me at ease? To make me feel like this is my home? Like this is the place I was meant to be, by her side? My God, why even the mourning doves sang a eulogy for the death of my presence.
I remember feeling the early morning sun on the side of my face. It was very warm but a mild breeze kept its heat from becoming uncomfortable. The other memory that remains firmly in my mind is the way the yellow sunlight made the red hair on the right side of her head give off a warm orange glow and the glint in her eyes, eyes that I could not ignore. They seemed to be of an orangey-brown color that matched the tea she drank. Every time she put the cup down I could not keep from looking into it to see the change in hue as she emptied it sip by sip. I recall the soothing brown of her sweater. The one that made me want to hug her to feel the warmth of the wool and the feel of her body beneath. I remember telling her how much I loved the way she looked in that sweater the night before and how she modeled it for me after our playful but passionate coupling that melded our hearts and souls. A bonding I tried to ignore but our spirits would never forget. Was this all planned? Did she set out to arrange the colors so the scene before me would speak of warmth and comfort? The entire scenario designed to set me at ease? To make me feel like this is my home? Like this is the place I was meant to be, by her side? My God, why even the mourning doves sang a eulogy for the death of my presence.
Pretence and Protection March 11, 2006
Blog writer's note: I went against my usual ways and edited this essay for grammar and clarity.
In a previous blog I wrote how we can never really know if a friend on a social networking site we never met in person is who they say they are or merely a created persona. I'd like to expand on that thought. What Hamlet says with contempt can be said with conviction. "What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason how infinite in faculty. In form and movement how expressed and admirable. In action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god. The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals..." Yes, we can be, but we can also be monsters or anything in between. As human beings we are social animals and seek the company of others. In doing so we aim to attract like-minded people and those who may know more than us. Being human most of us do our best to look good and our damnedest to avoid looking bad. In such we may put forth what we really want to be or had been fooling ourselves into thinking we are. We present what in our minds is our ideal. What we hope others will find attractive. Or we create a facade of coolness and high intellect that we trust will attract those who would be in awe of us. Then again we may present a persona of stoicism or invulnerability that says, " I am whole unto myself and don't need anyone in my life." Being this social animal we need the touch of others to thrive; we need relationships be it mentor, friend or lover, a willing ear we can unload on, some advice we use to evolve or a lover to fulfill our longings. Otherwise, we could be hermits, but that would slowly drive us mad and might create our own "Wilsons" (see Castaway). We need relationships. A few pretend we don't. Thus we build a wall around hearts and let in only a choice few we trust won't break it. I do believe a lot of us here are authentic and true with ourselves and others. We are the ones who seek those who have the courage to be vulnerable enough to be their true selves as far as they know themselves to be. Some of us present our strengths and our strengths... and so present but half ourselves. In so doing we attract many who are themselves but half a person. We do this pretense to protect our hearts from breaking. What is a broken heart but a lesson learned? Among the wisest words I've read are, "This above all; to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." So we see that pretense and protection is merely pretense of protection and protection of pretense.
How The Hell Do You Stand It At Times Like This? Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Editor's note: Old blog from 2006. Needless to say it doesn't reflect my current state.
90% of my life is great. I enjoy the hell out of myself and my life but then comes along that 10%; when I wish to God I still had a warm body next to me. Someone to have a converstaion with. Share a good movie with. Someone who would look my way and give me a smile... Not just anyone mind you but that someone I haven't been with in over a year. The good question is why the hell do I still want to be with her? Christ all mighty she was nasty to me in that last email she sent. The one that made me take the damned ring back off my finger and nearly sell it for it's scrap value. However, I think of the times we had together. The good times. The laughs, the hikes, the road trips. The museum visits. Ah, the hell with it. I'm better than this. It's done. It's all our yesterdays.
90% of my life is great. I enjoy the hell out of myself and my life but then comes along that 10%; when I wish to God I still had a warm body next to me. Someone to have a converstaion with. Share a good movie with. Someone who would look my way and give me a smile... Not just anyone mind you but that someone I haven't been with in over a year. The good question is why the hell do I still want to be with her? Christ all mighty she was nasty to me in that last email she sent. The one that made me take the damned ring back off my finger and nearly sell it for it's scrap value. However, I think of the times we had together. The good times. The laughs, the hikes, the road trips. The museum visits. Ah, the hell with it. I'm better than this. It's done. It's all our yesterdays.
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