Editor's note: This blog reflected the changes I was going through as a result of coming to terms with my abuse as a child and my separation from my previous wife. One of the things that was instrumental to my growth and acceptance of what happened to me and the separation was my attending the Landmark Forum. Look it up.
In trying to look good and avoid looking bad to my friends and family I strived too hard to defend my actions. That was the way I was because I wanted them to respect me, like me and look up to me. In doing so I was being inauthentic. I defended myself without regard to the truth or their feelings.
The reason I did this was because I felt like I had to defend myself, no one else would. I didn't want to be wrong. Being wrong was bad and I had to look good in order to be appealing. I had lived the life of a victim so long I felt like I had to defend The Child at all times.
One of the stories I had lived my life by was that I was a helpless, defenseless unimportant and unattractive child. So I protected myself at all cost and I would do anything to please others so they would like me. As a young First Grader I used to think I was very ugly. I would stand in the schoolyard facing the wall tugging at my eyelashes in an effort to make them longer. If they were longer I would be better looking and the other children would want to play with me. As an adult I suppose I felt I couldn't be wrong because that would make me look bad and I couldn't do that. I had to be right and I had to be attractive and I had to do anything for others so I would look good.
The impact that had on my life is I had been living a life that was not authentic, not fulfilling and certainly not powerful. I actually made myself look worse by seeming to be uncaring of others and worse by not living up to most of my promises. Thus I gave my friends and former wife a Rafael that was not true. A Rafael that was a fraction of what I could be. One unfortunate aspect of living life that way is now my friends may never get to know Rafael Antonio, the new emerging, evolving me that knows a life of authenticity is a life of power and fulfillment. I go to Florida without them getting to know who I've become.
Look out Orlando, Rafael Antonio is on his way!
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